I don't understand my life. I want to be happy but I am sad. I feel like emoing but I can't do it around people. Only when I am alone like how I am blogging now then I can really emo.

All those years in VS, I have been holding back. I am sorry, guys, really sorry coz I have been constantly lying for the past 3 years about certain parts of my life.

My words may not make sense. But lying to my friends is something I had to do to protect myself even though it hurts me. I had to avoid the same mistake I did in the past when it led to catastrophe. I had no choice. Now, I have. Coz the "restrictor" is gone. Might not have made sense but I think I had told Saufi and Haziq about it though I think they will be equally confused to when I had said this.

Lying is a part of life. But constantly for 3 years?........To your own friends? That is a huge sin. And I'm afraid I did it.

Only now do I have a choice. So what do I do? Continue lying? Or come clean with it since the "restrictor" is gone? I really want to do the latter. But I am hesitating. What should I do?

Very few times in these 3 years have I felt that the time was right for my friends to know the truth about me. One of it was the day when all stress is gone, or should I say night, with the still water and the shining stars blanketing the sky. I tried not to make it obvious but to some of you, you would understand what I am talking about, specifically people who look with three eyes, not two, people like Ziyad or Saufi.

Each time I think about the "restrictor", I feel that it is more of a curse than a blessing. I'm different from others in the fact that I have this "restrictor" while others don't. I swear.

Silence for 3 years. I guess it's time to come clean. I shall do it in due time. I just need more time to think about it. And when I do, I have to be sure to avoid what happened in the past.

I am neither exxagerating nor lying about this. All I have said is true. I AM hurt deep inside. Now I have found the cure. I can reach for it. Or I can leave it there. If I reach for it, there's no guarantee my hand will come back in one piece. That is my situation right now.

Come to think of it, I think I have been a bit too emo. I am telling you guys that I have a problem in my life, but not telling you guys what it is. The best way to solve it is to tell others. But like I said, my hand may not come back in one piece. I am not trying to be sentimental or anything, Saufi and others. I am trying to convey my feelings across.

Knowing my feelings is not hard. This post and the last one are similar. They don't come together, but they show similar feelings. And like I said, if my feelings DO get across, please keep it a secret. I am not the master of deception nor can I read ancient ruins. But what I know is that if you can't UNDERSTAND something, then look at it from a different angle. The sun moves from East to West to us, but also North to South when it is setting. I am not so good with riddles but if you feel me, like I said, zip it.